The Care and Feeding of an Indie Author
Congratulations on your acquisition of your new indie author! I’m sure you have many questions, and possibly a bitemark or two already, so let’s delve into the dos and don’ts of indie author guardianship.
Your indie author feeds almost exclusively on blog posts about publishing, retweets they’re mentioned in, and possibly absurd amounts of alcohol. Make sure you don’t overfeed your indie author, or their head may expand.
Your indie author needs occasional exercise in order to remain healthy. Suggestions for exercise include chasing research rabbits down internet holes, wandering used bookstores turning green with envy, and repeatedly refreshing their sales page in hopes of seeing a number appear.
Your indie author requires little in the way of personal space, aside from an electrical outlet, access to limitless caffeine, and the occasional movie. Known for sitting in one spot for hours and even days at a time, an indie author can be housed in any small room, or at a desk in a corner, or, barring that, a chair at the end of a coffee table.
Indie authors require more alone time than the average housecat requires for sleeping. Upwards to twenty hours a day may be utilized in hammering away on a keyboard, scribbling in a notebook, or even staring into space. Leave your indie author alone- especially when staring into space. Even when they seem to be doing nothing at all, your indie author is actually working. It only looks like they’re goofing off.
Your indie author needs your love. They need your confidence. Barring that, they need your support. Love them, pet them (watch out for teeth), feed them, and leave them alone. With care and proper conditions, your indie author will produce books with reasonable regularity throughout their life.
Your indie author’s books require a bed of nutritious reviews in which to grow. The more reviews, the better it is for the book, the author, and for you. For without your support, an indie author will wither and fade, wander off, and become another embittered coffee zombie at your local Steerborks.
Adopting (or being adopted by) an indie author is a deep commitment, and requires a concerted effort on your part to continue to be healthy, function, feel appreciated. Treat your indie author right and you’ll read new and exciting books forever. Treat them poorly and you’ll find yourself lampooned and slain in a variety of literary fashions.
PAID FOR BY THE SOCIETY FOR PREVENTION OF OBSCURITY FOR INDIE AUTHORS WORLDWIDE